bitter without sweet

They tell you you are beautiful and that you are sweet. You are important. You are desired. You will be young and beautiful and sweet and important and desired forever. You will always be you forever and ever. That’s what really matters.

But what if nothing matters to you? What if kind words were interchangeable with indifferent ones because they were the same to you? What if every I love you and I want you and I am your friend were the same thing as a politely exchanged, detached conversation on the weather with an aquaintance in passing?

Maybe you don’t want to be beautiful because it is impossible for you. You have never been beautiful or good. You have never been seen. You have never been truly loved or wanted. You have never been a real friend or had true friends. You have had varying degrees of delusions dressed up as entanglements. You have created a sense of obligation to a few more charitable souls out there than you. But you have never truly been beautiful or good. And you never will be. 

Each day you are more of a wreck and a ruin. Each day the bitterness rises in the throat and in the thoughts. You tried to taste the sweetness out of life like a wild thing set loose in the civilized world. You demanded more beauty, more brightness, more poetry, more laughter, more color, more experience, more passion, more feeling… because you generated none of your own.

You are the shiniest object in the room sometimes, you are the subject of a thousand stories conjured up to sell the image of the woman who does not exist. There is always a mask to wear or an emotion to mimic or a world tragedy to feign interest in… just watch the others who react with actual feelings, and copy them. Pretend to care. Pretend to be a real person. Observe closely details of everyone and everything in the room you’ve set your sights on so you can charm them and win them over before they see you. Create a barrier of false intimacy to avoid a real one. Try to keep the emptiness inside you silent by filling it with one hundred unecessary things for the next twenty-four hours.

When they tell you that you are beautiful and that you are good, know they are lying. 

They may be lying to themselves because they do not see you and can never know you, but they are lying. You know the truth, that is the one thing that makes you, you. You know you are bitter to the taste and there isn’t enough sweetness to ever blot it out. You know you are an ugly thing who cannot love and cannot care and does not want to. You know you are growing older and soon enough you will become invisible. You know you are insubstantial, you are nothing, and you no longer wish to pretend to want to be anything. You exist, you pass the time in pleasant occupations and distractions but they are not you and they remain outside of the cold heart of you.

tumblr_nlfeljKaqg1rn4nu1o1_500

You were not born for love. You were not made for adoration. And you do not care about the world or anyone in it. And you never have. The bitter truths are so much more palatable to one who wakes up one day from amnesia realizing they never had a taste for the sweet things in life. There is a freedom in finally recognizing yourself and accepting your fate… that nothing will ever happen to you that means anything at all to you. Pretending to care and to be alive and to chase beauty and desire where there is none feels like being buried alive.

Today you claw your way out. You see you are alone. You are not very human and not at all warm, to the touch nor to the memory. You are marble and stone and the sea. You are a looking glass, a mirror for others to see whatever they want reflected back onto them for a while until they grow bored and leave.

You were never really there and you are impercetible even to yourself. A ghost in your own body. A dream one lingers over for an afternoon until it slowly dissolves, until it was like the dream of someone else, until you swear you never dreamed it at all.

 
This is creative writing which contains many feelings and thoughts I have in my darker and more powerless moments but it is not reflective of me every moment of my life not is it a complete picture. It has a LOT of poetic license.

 

Advertisements

10 Comments Add yours

  1. This is a beautiful piece of writing but it’s frightening. I don’t think any of us are intended to be anything at all except a human being, and that has as much darkness as light. We all have our ugly places, and we are all ultimately alone. Still, no one is an island. Our lives touch others and we have a duty to make that touch a gentle one.

    1. Thank you. I think because I’ve recently stopped drinking and using all my crutches of distraction it has allowed the floodgates to open to the feelings and thoughts I was trying to bury with things that have affected my health and relationships… and helped me avoid responsabilities.

      1. Could be. What you must never lose sight of is that much of what we think and feel when we’re under the influence of anything—alcohol, drugs, love—is illusion. We are what we are when we get rid of the interference. Neurones are just so much electrical equipment that sends out faulty messages when it’s wired up wrongly. I don’t know you, but I’ve seen your photos and I’ve read what you write, and you are no Heinrich Himmler or serial killer, or psychopath. Listen to the blackbirds singing then post something else 🙂

      2. Oh god, no I am definitely not like Himmler or a serial killer or a psychopath… ha… I am taking a class on European dictators between the world wars and I definitely do not relate to them… I do think it’s going to take a lot of daily work and time to adjust to be crutch-less in the real world… but I see it is the only way because what I began as something to shield me from bad feelings or circumstances has now surpassed them and created a host of problems (incl health) and making life unmanageable… I feel like there are some things I can’t fix or damaged too much and it hurts but I know I am supposed to just do better anyway despite what I ultimately “get” or don’t get out of it… there will be improvement in some areas and that matters.

      3. I didn’t mean exactly like Himmler. If I’d thought there was even the remotest similarity I certainly wouldn’t be corresponding with you! There’s just a germ of awfulness in some people that manifests itself in a humble or spectacular way. Maybe with time and help they can be ‘recuperated’ but I tend to think it’s a waste of precious time. Anyone who see they have ‘problem’ is on the way to sorting it. I feel terrible at the moment. Though it’s only been going on a few weeks it feels like years—migraines, insomnia and now shooting pains in my back from a muscular spasm. Sleeping pills don’t work, pain killers don’t work or they make me sick so I just writhe about at night feeling like death. Chacun sa merde, as we say over here. Hope your merde turns out to be easier to wade through than you fear 🙂

      4. I am sorry you’re going though this! After long term car accident injuries and root canals I developed a disjointed jaw and had insanely chronic pain for a couple years and horrible constant inflammation… Nothing was working, cost me a lot in alternative medicine and specialist dental guards and etc constant pain and discomfort …. Thought it would never improve but it has but still, it sucks to go through pain and insomnia, I feel for you! Now my biggest challenge besides trying sobriety for awhile is lose the rest of my big weight loss, so it’s the gym and trying to stick to a good plan and maybe then I’ll be a full fledged responsible adult because I’ve been the flighty artist type forgetting to pay bills and manage mundanities for too long! Also the more weight I lose the less discomfort or pain and the more confident I feel. I’m tired of fat shaming myself – I want to be healthy and fit again. And I’m glad I don’t give off Patrick Bateman vibes even tho I love that movie 😂

      5. It’s funny how egocentric one can be! I imagine anyone I ‘know’ but who I have never seen a picture of, looking more or less like me. Is that arrogant or what? My problem stems from being chronically underweight. Stress strips the pounds off me and I don’t have any to spare. The muscular pains I get are because the muscles are so weak. I just don’t seem able to put on weight or muscle but lose it very easily. With almost thirty years in a stable couple and five children on the tally, I haven’t been able to ignore the material stuff like bills, but for years I’ve put everything unpleasant off until the red warning letters start to pile up. It’s stupid, but the root is the same for all of us probably. Not wanting to sort things out because it might be hard or painful or just damn time consuming. It just affects different people in different ways. I worked in the drink trade so maybe that has put me off over-indulging. Also, everything’s much easier when there’s someone to lean on. It’s a platitude, but it’s true. Hell might be other people, but there are always a few who are necessary and complementary to our existence.

  2. interesting opposites in the comments section. would you both consider writing a collaborative essay on body / health issues?

  3. Testardo says:

    Sad !!!! But Real American mind !

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s