widowhood

I want my own bed again

and I want to be alone

because that’s what

life is now

a series of good nights

to memories

private moments

which others

invade temporarily

in symbolic acts

of contrition and intimacy

merely signifying

soft betrayals

exhumed in the

burning of daylight

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now

not afraid of the abysm of death, afraid of the abyss within.

good-bye lion heart

I tragically and suddenly lost my dear husband last week and have had to temporarily halt my business – orders will be sent out after the funeral this week – thank you for your patience. rebecca@romepix.com i will fulfill all orders by later this week. romepix.com

there is a consolation i want to share with everyone right now – we did living wills – which i recommend – and i know he did not want to suffer or have life prolonged under certain irreversible states – he also believed in the soul – so if anyone has reached samadhi or peace or freedom, it’s Rian.

cold comfort when you see the void left in the world by the bright star and spark you will love forever, but it is a comfort all the same. it keeps you strong enough to honor their wishes and to try to live out what they would have wanted. they’re freer than us now, hard as it is for us to not lament how TOO SOON it is, lament all the joys they will miss out on, and not wanting to enjoy ANYTHING without THEM… but we know they want us to snap out of self pity and not only survive until it is our time, but to live FOR THEM. Also, he had an SAH, which means the damage was instantaneous and would not have been saved even if it happened in a hospital. Horrible horrible horrible condition but we could’ve would’ve should’ve doesnt apply. 

tomorrow is the traditional hindu ceremony. it is raining today. i will prepare my house for family. i will play his favorite chanting. i will make tea. i will love him always.

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The splendours of the firmament of time May be eclipsed, but are extinguished not; Like stars to their appointed height they climb, And death is a low mist which cannot blot The brightness it may veil. […]

— Percy Bysshe Shelley, “Adonais: An Elegy on the Death of John Keats”

A candle as it diminishes, explains, gathering more and more is not the way. Burn, become light and heat. Melt.

Rumi